Attention, Guardsmen!
It has recently come to our attention that an above-average number of you are claiming that your Primer and your training are leaving you unprepared for life on the front. While this is obviously heresy, and those complaining have been punished appropriately, we have decided to start a new feature to aid you. This week, we will be answering letters sent in by those of you seeking advice.
Rather than solicit content from you, we thought that we would save time by directly intercepting outbound mail and providing our own responses – indeed, while your friends and family will now no longer receive your letters, we’re sure that they would be proud to see you honoured in such a way in these hallowed pages.*
It’s simple, Alyx! Just think on the ceaseless toil of those who have worked to produce such nourishing, delicious meals – the manufactorum workers who have poured themselves into your nutrition with their heart and soul.** In order to help you appreciate your rations, your regiment’s allotment has been halved so you may savour every morsel in the coming months.
Guardsman, there is no need to keep
your faith secret – sing your praise for the Emperor from the rooftops if you have to! Your loyalty is commendable – just carry on as you are and your fealty will provide.
Quite simply, Guardsman! Keep your power cells dry, your bayonet nearby and the God-Emperor in your heart. You have been volunteered for flogging in order to sharpen your flagging resolve – and that of your comrades.
Well, Guardsman – we have received your message loud and clear! Worry not – any “madness” will be coming to a swift end shortly. Your
regiment will be undergoing decimation shortly, and you will be hanged, then shot, then hanged again.
Remember, Guardsmen – you are always being watched! For a chance to have your letter featured here, continue to communicate with your loved ones as normal – we will continue to monitor your writings for anyone in need of “advice”.
++Thought for the Day: ‘It is better for a man to be afraid than happy.’ ++
* Please note that sharing your copy of the Regimental Standard in any way will be punished for the unauthorised distribution of vital military intelligence.** Sometimes literally, in the case of lower grades of corpse-starch.
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