Warhammer Community - The Regimental Standard

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New post on The Regimental Standard

New Anomaly Discovered! by The Warhammer Community Team Wonderful news, Guardsmen! A new anomaly has been found, representing an opportunity for discovery, valour and the utter destruction of an interloper who would deign to trespass in the God-Emperor’s galaxy. Appearing in the Segmentum Pacificus, we know absolutely nothing about the anomaly apart from that it is very large and should probably be destroyed on the grounds that, if it is of any value, it’ll probably survive an orbital bombardment or two. At this stage, we can say with some confidence that this is the greatest anomalous incident to occur since the Triumph at Sanctuary 101! What YOU need to know about the anomaly: The universe is full of terrors that mean harm to Mankind. According to current analysis,* we have never encountered an anomaly of this type before. The fact we have never encountered this anomaly before is superb news, as it means that a previously unknown threat is now known to us. Thus, we can purge it, thereby removing it and increasing the security of the Imperium forever! Rather than attempting to trick us with honeyed lies, the anomaly has instead slain any who have ventured inside and has attempted to intimidate us with a tawdry display of destroyed Imperial vessels. This is, of course, excellent news. Unlike with the T’au Empire, we can skip straight to Stage Four of the Imperial First Contact Protocol – Commence Extermination. This saves our diplomats from debasing themselves by pretending to the naive xenos that the Imperium possesses any interest in “negotiation”, “peaceful co-existence” or other heresies. Early expeditions by surviving Imperial fleet members indicate that landing parties have been able to enter the anomaly, and it contains air with enough oxygen to sustain a Guardsman.** This means you will be able to bring all the might of your ground-combat training to bear against it, rather than missing the fun while the Imperial Navy do all the work.*** Go forth, discover, and destroy! ++ Thought For The Day: All mortal life is folly that does not feed the spirit. ++ * Please note: current analysis is limited due to observational methods – namely, looking at it from the minimum safe distance (two systems away).** Thus saving us from wasting respirators or spare oxygen canisters. Truly, this is a blessed day!*** At this sensitive stage, we are particularly curious to see if the anomaly is vulnerable to bayonet attacks.

Warhammer Community - The Regimental Standard

The humies are back...
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New post on The Regimental Standard

Introducing: The All-new Regimental Standard Writing Team! by The Warhammer Community Team Attention, Guardsmen! Following the valiant efforts of your comrades, the unfortunate mishap* in the regular delivery of the Regimental Standard has been resolved. You deserve commendation for performing so effectively without a steady diet of useful information from this august publication! In compliance with Ordo Xenos restrictions, and to avoid any heresy, the entire surviving writing staff of the Regimental Standard has been liquidated** as part of a departmental restructuring. As such, we are happy to introduce the all-new writing team! THE TEAM Propaganda-class Word Generation Servitor Delta-7777884C Newly converted into a servitor, this tireless writer can produce upwards of 10,000 words a day thanks to a combat-grade Frenzon injection system, advanced haemotropic cooling and careful electrocortical stimulation. Propaganda-class Word Generation Servitor Delta-7777884D Servitor D joins us from the Munitorum, after a long and esteemed career of tightening rivet 468-C on Leman Russ battle tanks. We’re sure that following the graft of pseudo-creative cogitators and a psalmic reformatting, you’ll find his writing “riveting” too! Lord-Commissar Percy Faulteroy de Ville IV Joining us as a creative consultant, Officer Percy brings both his top-class education at the Schola Progenium as well as the valuable insights of being the son of a Sector Commander. Percy has a wealth of knowledge on ground warfare, having served with the Commissariat for almost 48 full hours before being heroically discharged after a severe collision between his toe and a Baneblade. Propaganda-class Word Generation Servitor Delta-7777884E This servitor brings a lifetime of combat experience to the role of writer. Unfortunately, after a complete neural wipe due to insubordination in his former existence, he’s unlikely to remember any of it! Remember, roles of this kind with the Regimental Standard are always available to those Guardsmen with the curiosity to question their superiors. We look forward to sharing these fresh, new perspectives with you, Guardsmen! ++ Thought For The Day: You are not required to think, only to act. ++ * In many cases, literally. All corpse-based substrates were then fed back into the new team in a remarkable show of efficiency.  ** Important Notice: Due to Munitorum regulations on the Regimental Standard, all material printed – even if by error – is to be followed as accurately as possible until appropriate amendments can be made to the regulations. HOWEVER, any Guardsman caught using the words “dakka”, “humie” or “krump” will be flogged. Commissars – make reference to Xenoanthropological Case Study 221XB: “The Digganobs” for advice on advanced deprogramming.

Warhammer Community - The Regimental Standard

A final Orky Regimental Standard...
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New post on The Regimental Standard

None of You’z Appreshiate Me by The Warhammer Community Team Dis iz rubbish. Evr'y day I’z been givin' you tips an' stuff from the wurld of da 'umies, and none of you'z been payin' any attenshun. You’z not wearin' da kaps or usin’ da taktiks or doin’ yer dakka properly. I woz talking to Zagrez da uvva day an' now 'e tells me dat none of you ladz can actually read and you’z jus' been laughin’ at the pikturs. I spent ages yellin’ at the grots to draw those. They’re 'eartbroken.* I'm givin' da Bosspole back to da 'umies. Dey can 'ave their magic paper if they want. Humies: Sorry I took ya' paper. I’z put all da stuff wot we nick'd in a Rok with some blasty bitz for ya'. You’z not getting da hat back 'coz it’z nice an' I like it. If ya' ever need some mercenaries, give the Blood Axes a yell. - Kommisork Badfragg ++ ORK FOR THE DAY: Me. You'z iz all rubbish ++ * ’specially the ones I shot in da chest for not drawin’ fast enough.

Warhammer Community - The Regimental Standard

Another suspiciously orky regimental standard...
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New post on The Regimental Standard

The Ork Kit List by The Warhammer Community Team Lissen up, ladz! Quite frankly, boyz, I’m sick of everyone turnin’ up with all diffrunt gear. Last week I told youz lot dat we woz goin’ on a desert mishun and four of you turned up wiv gubbinz for swimmin'. I’ve chatted wiv da Boss, and he doesn’t want you comin’ to battle wivout deez bitz’: - Yer Dakka I know carryin’ a choppa in both ’andz means you can slice stuff up twice as fast – dat’s just maffs – but yer dakka lets you skrag humies before you’z even kicked ’em. - Yer ’Ard ’At Da Boss needs to know who to yell at when da ladz start runnin’. Uzually, dis is da biggest lad, but when yer legs get shot off it’s ’ard to tell. Wear a big ’at if you’z a Nob to make it eazier fer ’im. - Yer Armer We’z not Madboyz.* Slap a few bitz of metal on yer soft bitz and you’ll get to fight fer longer before you get skragged. Add some skullz ‘n’ spikes ‘n’ stuff if you want to look dead ’ard. - Bullitz Get lots of diffrunt shapes and sizes for diffrunt gitz. If you’z got any of dem ‘Beekee’ Space Mareen bullitz, save ’em – they iz dead good. If they don’t go in the bullit hole/bullit bukkit, carve a bigger wun with yer choppa. - Yer Teef For tradin’ in battle. Keep ’em in yer mouf, or put ’em in yer pokket for safekeepin’. - Yer Choppa For choppin’ fings. - Squig Food When da squigz iz takin’ a look at da battlefield after da scrap’s done and you’re a bit duffed up, yer gonna want somefin’ more delishus than yer leg to feed one if they find you and they’re ’ungry.** - Yer Divin’ Gubbinz Come t’think of it, when dat freek rainstorm ’appened, it woz pretty useful after all… If you come to battle wivout any of yer stuff, I’ll smack you in the gob. Then kill you. Then smack you in the gob again fer good luck. ++ ORK FOR THE DAY: Evil Suntzu, Dead 'ard Ork finker wot made Da Art of Waaagh! As da great Ork said, “Krump ’em good and first before they can krump ya back.” ++ * Well, most of us. Zogbez – yer shiny blue warpaint should to da trick. Jus’ wear a cloth or sumthin’ dis time or I’ll klobba’ ya’.** Bits of humie should do the trick. Or uvver, smaller squigs.

Warhammer Community - The Regimental Standard

A strangely hat and teeth obsessed Regimental Standard...
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New post on The Regimental Standard

Kapz 4 Nobz by The Warhammer Community Team Attenshun Boyz! Humie kultur is primitiv, and ugly. It iz only thru numberz and cheatin’ they keep beatin’ us in scraps. One of the wayz ‘umies cheat is thru their big hats. Humies arn’t civilised like us Orks, but they obviously know dat a big hat means bizness. Usin’ my kunnin’, I ‘ave analysed da best humie hats and made Orky vershuns fer da ladz. For a price. I’m not made of teef.* * Even if I do arsk Mork every night. It’d be great. I’d be so rich. And bitey.

Warhammer Community - The Regimental Standard

Another suspiciously poorly written Regimental Standard...
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New post on The Regimental Standard

Your Guide To Dakka by The Warhammer Community Team Lissen, up, ladz! Dakka! Since Orkish history began,* all of Ork-kind have looked for more of it. But what iz Dakka? Grobnek tells me a lot of you boyz used to be feruls, so still fink choppas and pointy sticks is the best of teknology.** Well, Dakka makes da pointy bitz go towards your enemy fast and you don’t even need to be next to 'im.*** 'Ere’s a guide to help you out: NORMAL DAKKA AKA: Sluggas, Shootas Normal Dakka isn’t flash, but it getz da job done. Bullitz go in da bullit hole, deff comes out da deff hole. Big bullitz make big deff. I dunno how it works. Ask a mek or somefin’. RATING: 10/10 HOT DAKKA AKA: Beamy bits, Lazers Hot Dakka is Dakka that uses big square bullitz**** and is flashy instead of loud. It’s dead good at krumpin' tanks and has lots of uses.***** Some 'umies carry hot dakka called “lasguns”. We don’t know what it’s for but Wazglab finks that it's for pointin' out people to krump. You can strap one to yer slugga as a lazer sight. RATING 10/10 BLASTY DAKKA AKA: Rokkits, Bomms, Fat Squigs Blasty Dakka is probly da best Dakka. Fings like rokkit launchas, squig gunz an' stuff. Just be a safe distunce away when you fire it.****** RATING 11/10 FAST DAKKA AKA: Snazzy Shootas, Mek Speshuls Fast Dakka is great 'cos even if you can’t hit anything wiv da first bullit, the rest usually do the trick. Also more bullitz iz better bullitz. RATING: 10/10 SQUISHY DAKKA AKA: Bitey Guns, Crawly Shootas Some of da boyz from Octarius got their mekz to loot some of da dakka from da tirry-nids. Works pretty well if you keep 'em fed. You can get sum from Ulg Lotsarms and his boyz, just smack 'im in da gob if he keeps talkin' about “Gork and Mork but wiv four arms for hittin' people” and “the patriork” and uvver rubbish. RATING: 10/10 WEIRD DAKKA AKA: Deemon’s Gubbinz, Chatty Bits Rememba when da ladz got togetha and put all da skullz in a pile and did a dance for a laugh and da sky went all red and Ozgob said “Da Time Of Blood Has Come” in a funny voice and a bunch of red ladz came through da walls and we had a fight and it woz great? Some of the big wunz had gunz. They'z good and they whisper fun stuff to ya' about killin’ and battles. RATING: 10/10 Thatz it, ladz! Enjoy shootin’ stuff up. ++ ORK FOR THE DAY: Ghazghkull. He’s a Goff so a bit borin’ but he’s a good lad. ++ * Last week, when the runtherdz remembered how to remember things, and invented “weeks”.** Choppas are still ded good.*** But it helps if you do stand next to 'im.**** Sometimes they’re called “battrees” becoz they’re good for batterin’ people wiv.***** Just don’t clean yer boots with it, unless you want new legz from the mek. So maybe clean yer boots with it.****** Couple of steps back should do the trick.